I live in a football-free house, so today as my Twitter feed blew up with football-related tweets, I realized the rest of the U.S. was being sucked into its annual Football Vortex. I never gave football much thought, until moving to the South and realizing that football sits on the lap of Jesus at the right hand of God.
If you’re like me and love people who love football, but can’t take all the football-related mania, fear not, for I have assembled this handy coping mechanism to help us keep our heads till it’s over. I look to Loki, brother of the hammer-wielding Thor, to help guide us through our emotions concerning large, overly-muscular men who like to slam themselves into things, and their enthusiastic fans.
Here’s how to survive football season, with help from Loki of Asgard.
1. At the beginning of the season, start with simple exhales when your Twitter feed explodes with All the Trash Talk for All the Teams. Loosen up those eyeballs and let ’em roll. Not Roll Tide. Roll eyeballs.
2. When everyone in your whole life is talking about football and even the pastor is weaving his favorite team into the announcements at church, use your words to express your feelings.
3. Halfway through the season when you don’t understand what anyone’s talking about, like there’s some kind of special football language, just break down. Let yourself experience All the Feels. All. Feels. Loki knows. Loki understands.
4. After several months, you just might need to break stuff, stop showering, and let your hair go. Just whatever. Everyone has their breaking point. Delete your Twitter app, lock yourself in your room, and scream.
5. Who Dat Tight End Rise Up War Eagle Hail Mary Bull Rush Roll Tide Gridiron Pigskin Go Dawgs Squib Kick Hokies Blitz. I have no idea. By the end of the season, scream “Enough!” and head back to the internet with a sigh of relief that you won’t have to hear about it again till next season.
And hey football fans, I love you. As a college basketball fan, I shall endeavor to pay you all back come March.
All this Loki deliciousness is from giphy.com.