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How to Survive Football Season, With Help From Loki of Asgard

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I live in a football-free house, so today as my Twitter feed blew up with football-related tweets, I realized the rest of the U.S. was being sucked into its annual Football Vortex.  I never gave football much thought, until moving to the South and realizing that football sits on the lap of Jesus at the right hand of God.

If you’re like me and love people who love football, but can’t take all the football-related mania, fear not, for I have assembled this handy coping mechanism to help us keep our heads till it’s over.  I look to Loki, brother of the hammer-wielding Thor, to help guide us through our emotions concerning large, overly-muscular men who like to slam themselves into things, and their enthusiastic fans.

Here’s how to survive football season, with help from Loki of Asgard.

1. At the beginning of the season, start with simple exhales when your Twitter feed explodes with All the Trash Talk for All the Teams.  Loosen up those eyeballs and let ’em roll.  Not Roll Tide.  Roll eyeballs.

2. When everyone in your whole life is talking about football and even the pastor is weaving his favorite team into the announcements at church, use your words to express your feelings.

3. Halfway through the season when you don’t understand what anyone’s talking about, like there’s some kind of special football language, just break down.  Let yourself experience All the Feels.  All.  Feels.  Loki knows.  Loki understands.

4. After several months, you just might need to break stuff, stop showering, and let your hair go.  Just whatever.  Everyone has their breaking point.  Delete your Twitter app, lock yourself in your room, and scream.

5. Who Dat Tight End Rise Up War Eagle Hail Mary Bull Rush Roll Tide Gridiron Pigskin Go Dawgs Squib Kick Hokies Blitz.  I have no idea.  By the end of the season, scream “Enough!” and head back to the internet with a sigh of relief that you won’t have to hear about it again till next season.

And hey football fans, I love you.  As a college basketball fan, I shall endeavor to pay you all back come March.

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All this Loki deliciousness is from giphy.com.

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  • Susan

    Amen sister!!

  • Off The Cuff Cooking

    Oh yes… I feel that way every August when it’s just the “these games don’t count, they’re just pre-season games” when my husband just watches for “fun.” But then the real season starts, and he has the paraphernalia and the rituals and all the extra phone calls and text messages to his fellow fans of his favorite team. It’s like a mystical language I just don’t understand, no matter how hard I try. I am getting closer to starting to understand the rules & finer points of the game, but I just get confused and tired and it’s noisy and not in a “fun noisy way” (like a Marvel movie, for instance.) I see all these people running around in a jumble on the field, but can’t figure out who actually has the ball and what is going on. My husband just absorbs into this sport, until January. And it’s both college & NFL as long as it’s “his teams” — or any team that might PLAY his teams, or any team that might play the team that is next in line to play his teams so he can know what his teams odds are like. And then after January, it’s college basketball… and NASCAR (but at least with the latter two I can figure out what’s going on most of the time.) I really do wonder if I spent as much time on a hobby (like, say, interior design shows on HGTV) as he does with sports, if he’d think I was a bit batty as well. Like if I got dressed in themed outfits (like maybe t-shirts with House Crashers, or Property Brothers in lettering on the back,) and yelled at the TV when they picked a paint color I don’t care for, or spent 8-10 hrs a week reading blogs about the shows, and discussing them at length over dinner…? :) He says he wouldn’t care, but I’m really inclined to try it as an experiment.

    • mrsbolin919

      My husband is obsessed with Call of Duty on Playstation (we may or may not have had “Double XP Weekends” at our house that included THREE grown men all hard wiring into the modem for the fastest internet possible and playing on THREE gaming systems, with THREE tvs set up in my living room. But, heaven forbid, you let me bring one little pallet home for a project and he’s all “Baby, we live in a condo. What exactly do you think you’re gonna do with a pallet?”
      At this point, I shake my head, grab the wine, and force him to watch Jeopardy.

  • mrsbolin919

    I’m commenting for the sole purpose of not blowing up my twitter feed…again. But after discovering the whole fart, Jesus, infertility solidarity, yesterday, finding out today that you aren’t into the whole football frenzy, either, pretty much means we are BFFs. I watch the Superbowl for the halftime show, the commericials, and to drink beer on a Sunday night without judgment…and I feel guilty about it zero percent.

    • Melanie Dale

      Ha, excellent. Football *yawn.* BFF.

  • jswwrites

    Love it! As we are on our third (fourth?) football game of the day. Hubby leaves the room for a minute, I change it. He comes back, I meekly hand over the remote. “Sure, change it, I wasn’t watching that. Obs.” Then I open the Kindle. Now that my son has gone to college, he just talks to the tv. Ongoing commentary on the refs, the announcers, the strategy, the calls, the runs, the lack of runs. Every once in awhile he bangs the table and the cat takes off like she was electrocuted. And he’s “not that interested in football.” Just wait til college basketball, which is what he “really” likes…………………………………

 

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