This is me freaking out when my book unexpectedly showed up in my mailbox. I cannot be cool about this. (I feel like maybe this should be on my tombstone: “She could not be cool about this.”) I set it down like it was on fire and I still haven’t opened up, though I’ve given it several rounds of side eyes. Also of importance, this morning I put the clothes on my staircase behind me in actual drawers. Nobody panic.
I’m supposed to be blogging. This is my allotted time for that. I’ve written several and they’re boring and lame and either need to marinate for awhile or just never ever come out to play. I’m feeling less “step up to the mic and drop something funny” and more “carry 80’s phone into the closet and wrap the cord around me while we stay up too late and talk.”
Last night I watched the Oscars and think I’ll hand out a few superlatives.
Lupita Nyong’o. I mean, who’s better than Lupita? Solid pearls. It’s classy, it’s unique, and it looks incredible on her. She wins at dresses.
Favorite Oscar Moment
John Legend and Common’s performance of “Glory” from Selma. I still have chills this morning.
Most Awkward Moment
Oh so many.
1. Dakota Johnson and her mom Melanie Griffith fighting on the red carpet about whether or not Melanie was going to see 50 Shades. Look! Famous families fight, too! *America shifts uncomfortably.*
2. Every single time Neil Patrick Harris asked Octavia Spencer to watch his predictions box. I wanted her to get up, knock him down with a leg sweep, and say, “Ask me again about the box.” He never would have seen it coming.
3. John Travolta touching Idina Menzel’s face. Last year was the name, this year was the chin. What on earth will he do next year to top this? He’s becoming the crazy uncle of these awards.
Anywho, that’s enough of that. It’s nice to see that fancy Hollywood actors are just as weird and awkward as we are. They’re just weird and awkward in really fancy clothes, and we’re at home wearing our sitting shirts.
Well. It’s about a month before my book releases and I’m what Mom’s Night Out calls “stress paralyzed.” I have a list of things I should be doing, but instead I find myself wandering from room to room in our house and staring at shiny objects. I don’t really know what to do with my hands. I should be working hard to let everyone know why my book will Change Lives and Help Everyone Find Friends and Stop Soil Erosion, but I go so delightfully catatonic when I start talking about it. Super fun.
Here are some important things I am doing as I lead up to book launch:
1. I bought Doc Martens. In junior high when they got really popular, I wasn’t allowed to wear them because my parents feared I’d start wearing white face powder and black lipstick and worship the devil. (I’m joking. They didn’t really think that.) Clearly I was hanging on the edge and they saved me from a life of being way too into vampires. Wait…
Now that I’m a parent, I totally get this commitment to possibly absurd lines in the sand as I battle with my tween about the dire consequences of wearing leggings as pants. It’s a slippery slope, people. First leggings, then you might as well just go to school in your underwear. I’m hoping she doesn’t figure out that Mommy’s yoga pants are just bootcut versions of what she’s not allowed to wear. Shhh. Just whatever, parenting is hard. I’m wearing my new Doc Martens, which is helping me cope.
2. I’m up to a pack a day Rainbow Nerds habit. I can quit whenever I want to.
3. I cleaned my office. It’s weird. Apparently I have carpet in here. Who knew?
4. I keep deleting tweets I’m about to post. Am I developing an internal monologue? This is new. And hopefully short-lived.
To kick off this month of me talking your ear off about my book, I thought I’d bribe you with a really pretty present. And also, why should the people at the Oscars get all the jewelry? I picked out a necklace and earrings set from Trades of Hope for one lucky winner, so enter here to win!