Well, it’s March, and I can officially say my book comes out THIS MONTH. (pause for complete mental breakdown and urgent trip to the bathroom)
I keep running into people who aren’t sure how to get my book. This is totally my fault. I’m really bad at talking about this and do this weird bashful toe-digging-in-the-ground mumbly thing. The conversation goes something like this:
Person: You wrote a book?
Me: Uh-huh (looks down, shrugs, mumbles awkward non-words)
Person: How do I get a copy?
Me: Urph murph murble
Person: Can I give you money and you, like, print one off for me?
I am so awkward. So let me just tell you from the safety of my computer screen, you can get Women Are Scary: The Totally Awkward Adventure of Finding Mom Friends pretty much wherever books are sold. I can’t print one off for you, because my printer is almost out of ink.
It’s really easy to think, “Oh, yawn, I’ll get to that book at some point in the next couple of years, yawn, so tired.” Let me tell you 10 reasons you need to get Women Are Scary NOW.
1. If you order now, you can relax and ignore me for the rest of the month as I remind you over and over again. You can sit back and act smug, like, “Duh, already preordered, GOSH.”
2. Right now, I’m offering my free ebook called Melanie Dale: Uncensored. On March 24 when the book releases, the ebook goes away. It’s kind of like DVD special features, so if you want the Blu-Ray combo pack version of the book, you need to preorder now and send your receipt to womenarescary@unexpected. org. I’m not saying it’ll change your life, but there are extra chapters that I couldn’t fit in the book, photos, and even a ridiculously awkward video involving an unscripted trip-and-fall, a Pez collection, and a snort.
3. If you preorder, you’ll be one of the first people to get the book, and as a firstborn child, let me tell you, BEING FIRST ROCKS. Here’s your chance to be the line leader of the class.
4. We’re better together and we need each other. I hope my book helps us learn how to develop real, authentic, soul-soothing relationships. For realsies.
5. The book contains the secret code to the treasure buried somewhere underneath the Jefferson Memorial. The treasure Nicholas Cage doesn’t know about yet. If you preorder and get the book first, you’ll beat everyone to it.
6. Get the book in time for spring break. When the kids are out of school and you’re hiding in the bathroom, you’ll need a book. My husband tells me Women Are Scary is an excellent bathroom read. I’m taking that as a compliment.
7. Get the book in time for Easter. What better way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus than to read a book with cake pops on the cover. In fact, if you read quickly, you could already be finding mom friends by Easter and have someone to invite over for jellybeans and Peeps.
8. March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. If you preorder my book, it’ll be like cozying up with a fluffy lamb come March 24.
9. Preordering books is like buying yourself a present that you’re surprised about. I love preordering books, because by the time the book comes out, I forgot I ordered it and come home to find a little surprise package on my doorstep. Mommy Brain really helps with this. I’m all, “Oooh, package, what could it be?!?” and I legitimately have no idea and am so excited to find out.
10. I want to give you some laughter. This time of the year, we’ve been snowed in (or in my case in Atlanta, rained in), the end of the year school blitz is bearing down on us, and we aren’t sure we’re going to make it to spring break or through spring break. As I clearly state on the back of the book, and thus it must be true: “I promise to make you snort laugh at least once. After reading this book, you’ll rock jazz hands, be able to sing on-key, and never, ever have to fold laundry again.” True story.
Okay, there it is. Reminder, as much as I’d like to, I cannot print out this book and give it to you. You can order it at bookstores and on the interwebz. Seriously. Just go wherever you usually go to buy books and it’ll be there. (If you don’t usually buy books, then 11. My book is a great starter book for non-book readers. It has pictures and movie quotes. You’re gonna be okay here.) Once you have your proof of purchase, email it to womenarescary@unexpected. org for free stuff.
In addition to the preorder gift, I’ve also cooked up some other fun giveaways:
1) Buy 2 books: You get printable notecards featuring illustrations from the book (OH YEAH, did I mention the book is illustrated!?!).
2) Buy 5 books: You get the notecards PLUS a free discussion guide and printable to pass out at your book club.
3) Buy 10 books: You get the notecards, the discussion guide and printable, PLUS I’ll also Skype in for a group date and we can throw popcorn at each other through the screen.
4) Buy 1,000 books: I’ll come to your house and singlehandedly peel off all the old 1980s wallpaper in your master bathroom. (So far no one has taken me up on this one. I’m flabbergasted. You guys, this is an excellent deal.)